Am I ADD?

I mentioned yesterday to some friends that I am exploring ADD and that I thought that it might account for some of my difficulties. The response was rather dismissive. It got me thinking: "Am I just looking for excuses.... after all everyone can say they procrastinate, or find it hard to finish jobs sometimes.. “

OK this is true… but then I have managed to have 5 or 6 careers before being ready to call myself middle aged … is that normal?! I have dabbled in almost every field of study to some degree. From science and technology to the arts, from philosophy to mathematics, from work with small children to university lecturing. I play seven musical instruments (at varying levels of skill!), have had phases of making sculptures, painting, life drawing, writing poetry, performance, dancing, running …..yet I rarely get to the satisfaction of real mastery or completion.

I have a quirky intelligence.. I am utterly fascinated by the world but often find it hard to navigate my way round ordinary practicalities. I love inventing things from gadgets to complex conceptual systems. I have projects galore at different stages… but few which have reached completion. I live with a sense of chaos just below the surface and a pervasive feeling of shame and frustration... I can keep it at bay, but is usually there running there in the background at some level.

I may or may not have ADD. I am not rushing to give myself a label. But my profile does seem to be consistent with some aspects of it.!

There are other factors which lead me to suspect I may be an ADD type. For example, I have read that language and motor control difficulties are often associated with ADD. I was very dyspraxic as a child (I broke my arms 3 time before the age of 14!) and had dyslexic symptoms (struggling at the bottom of the class for english, yet near the top for maths and science). I also stuttered badly...

Then there was my tic. I used have a blink. Other children would constantly ask “‘ave you got somat stuck in your eye?”. On the other side, I was quite fearless – always to be found at the top of the highest tree in the woods next to our house, and at primary school would happily take on "would be" bullies - I could hold my own!

One of my sons had a diagnosis of ADHD (as well as dyspraxia). I know ADD is familial. He was very hyperactive. I don’t think I am particularly hyperactive, so when he had his diagnosis - some 15 years ago - it did not particularly occur to me that I might have ADD (without the H!).

In many ways I cope well. My life is full of fascinating tangents… I do delight in the richness of it. But there is also a life- sapping procrastination which seem utterly debilitating at times… It sometimes takes so much effort to do really “simple” tasks like making a phone call, or paying a bill. I have coping mechanisms, so my struggle and anxiety is largely invisible.

So perhaps it is not surprising that my friends were a bit dismissive when I mentioned ADD. I hide my symptoms well. In a sense a diagnosis is not that important to me. What matters is that I can find a way through. I don't want to just "cope" with life - I want to flourish, to be the fullest self I can be!